


five moments in the life of a non-father

by papyrocrat



Category: Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-26
Updated: 2011-10-26
Packaged: 2017-11-17 13:25:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/552032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/papyrocrat/pseuds/papyrocrat





	five moments in the life of a non-father

He'll spend the next decade wondering when he first knew, or when he should have known, but really, he stops being clueless one night over an obscene number of Chinese take-out boxes. They're on the battered couch in her basement, Isobel curled up sideways with her legs slung over his hips. She's trying to look bored and stoic by poaching beef from his carton with her fingers whenever she gets nervous for Mulder, until she yelps "oh, fuck, I'm gonna hurl," and sprints to the bathroom.

At first he thinks she's just being dramatic, but she really is sick. "Christ, if you're going to steal my food, you should at least keep it down," he calls after her. He turns back to the television and makes sure to be eating her lo mein with gusto when she comes back in. "You should either be a vegetarian or not, Iz, but it still counts as dead cow even if it's not technically your dead cow."

He expects her to fall back onto the couch and flip him off, but instead she purposefully blocks his view, pulling her flannel shirt tight around herself, mouth still and eyes wide.

Fuck.

*

  
She has a dusting of dark hair on her head when she's born, dark hair and brown eyes and an imperious set to her little chin and she's all Isobel. She's perfect, he thinks proudly.

"Come on, hold her," Isobel urges. "She's your daughter, too." The room goes airless. "For the moment."

He crawls onto the bed and holds them both. For the moment.

*

  
The night he gets into Vanderbilt, Grayson calls him over for a talk after the baby's asleep.

"You have to go."

He tries to interrupt with every objection in the world, but Gray won't have any of it. "We don't need anything from you now." His brother has always had a gift for the painful truth. "But she's going to need you someday. This whole town will."

Then he drops a ring on the table, gaudy and thick, and explains about the vampires.

"So you need to go get smart, and successful, and normal. While you can."

So he does.  


*

  
Elena is six, and she shrieks with joy when he visits. He tries not to make anything of it - she's six, she shrieks with joy the twentieth time she sees Tinkerbell come back to life - but when she flings herself at him for a hug, he holds her close and chokes on everything he's ever felt.

He schools his face into its brightest smile and lets himself play the proud uncle. "It's a BIRD! It's a PLANE!" Her tiny voice joins his, with a confidence and joy he's sure he's never possessed. "I'm SUPER-ELENA!" She laughs and laughs as he swings her through the air.

He chose rightly, he knows, but he puts her down and his heart still bleeds.

*

  
Everything about the funeral is tragic - Jenna's strangled sobs, Jeremy's red eyes staring at whatever isn't on the back wall of the church, the twin caskets lying end-to-end - but by far the most painful is Elena's brave, helpless smile as she collects condolences one at a time.

He won't be another brave face she has to put on, and so when he can't avoid her eyes anymore, he nods tightly. She crosses the aisle and hugs him. "I'm so sorry, Uncle John," she whispers in his ear.

 _She's_ sorry.

"Me too," he murmurs as he wraps his arms around her. "I'm so sorry. For everything."

She's too young for this, for all of this.

He knows the feeling.


End file.
